Mržnja prema sebi

Ne volite li i ne cijenite sebe, možda toga niste pretjerano svjesni. Možda ste navikli na stalnu unutarnju samokritiku i doživljavate je normalnom, ili možda živite u nekoj vrsti emocionalne praznine i odvojenosti od osjećaja, funkcionirajući uglavnom kroz racionalni um. Možda ste čak i dosta postigli u životu, iz prkosa ili iz potrebe da se dokažete. No koliko god postigli, nikad nije dovoljno – i mala kritika ili neuspjeh može vas baciti u vrtlog samoomalovažavanja, a osjećati se ugodno u vlastitoj koži može vam se činiti kao disanje na škrge – neudobno i neprirodno.

Primjer

Rachel Reiland u autobiografskoj knjizi “Get me our of here – my recovery from Borderline personality disorder” (“Hoću van odavde – moj oporavak od borderline poremećaja ličnosti”), kroz scenu u kojoj je prvi put istukla svog sina Jeffreya, jasno opisuje unutarnji dijalog samoprezira, kao i način na koji se mržnja prema sebi prenosi u obitelji iz generacije u generaciju:

“Vidjela sam ga kako leži, sad već zaista plačući, dok su se misli počele rojiti u mojoj glavi: ‘Kriste, Rachel, više nisi čak ni dobra majka. Nemaš ništa. Užasna si, luda, grozna.’

Jeffrey nije skidao oči s mene, ali nije prestajao plakati. Ležao je na podu, cvileći, i taj prizor i zvuk podsjetio me na to koliko sam grozno ljudsko biće.

– Kvragu, Jeffrey, prestani! – zavrištala sam. Nije prestao.

Preplavljena bijesom, zgrabila sam ga za rame i počela ga snažno udarati sve dok mi ruka nije bila crvena i bolna. Nisam se mogla zaustaviti – sve dok mu nisam ugledala oči.

Nije više plakao, njegov strah nadvladao je potrebu da izrazi osjećaje. Ali oči su mu bile širom otvorene, veće nego što sam ih ikad vidjela. I apsolutno, potpuno užasnute. Taj me pogled zaustavio.

Poznati osjećaj bestežinskog stanja ponovo me obuzeo. Poznavala sam Jeffreyev pogled. Poznavala sam taj osjećaj.

To je bio uobičajeni dio mog djetinjstva – podnošenje ispada bijesa koji bi se javljali i prestajali podjednako nepredvidivo. Stvarnost mi je polako došla do svijesti. Istukla sam svoje dijete. Isto kao što je moj otac tukao svoje. Kao što sam se zaklela da nikad neću. Val mučnine se podigao u meni. Ista sam kao moj otac. Čak i mojoj djeci bilo bi bolje bez mene.”

Bordeline poremećaj i mržnja prema sebi

Dr. Jerold Kreisman piše: “Bordeline poremećaj ličnosti do nedavno se smatrao beznadnim i većina je terapeuta izbjegavala takve klijente. Hospitalizacija i lijekovi pružaju brzu i laku kontrolu nad psihozom. No simptomi borderline poremećaja su nepredvidivi, teško se kontroliraju, zahtijevaju mjesece i godine da bi se vidjelo poboljšanje i mogu preplaviti ranjivog terapeuta.”

S druge strane, simptomi bordeline poremećaja – destruktivno i samodestruktivno ponašanje kao što su napadi bijesa, promiskuitet, anoreksija, kaotična i nestabilna raspoloženja i ponašanje u odnosima, pretjerano vezivanje za druge ljude, koje slijedi pretjerani kriticizam i odbacivanje, pretjerane reakcije na tuđe ponašanje, manipulativno ponašanje i suicidalnost – jasno ukazuju na unutarnji konflikt između mržnje prema sebi i obrambenog bijesa.

Kao što sam već više puta pisala, snažan osjećaj manje vrijednosti će uzrokovati potrebu da se od tog osjećaja obranimo i izbjegnemo ga, te se spontano stvara sekundarna, obrambena ljutnja. Ta se ljutnja, uobičajeno, iskazuje kroz kriticizam prema drugima i opravdavanje sebe (što često pojačava unutarnji konflikt), no u težim slučajevima, obično ako je osoba odgajana u krivnji i strahu, i ta se ljutnja može usmjeriti prema sebi i pretvoriti u još više samokritike. To može voditi još većoj potrebi da se obranimo od toga – te na taj način unutarnji konflikt postaje još složeniji.

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Začarani krugovi

Najveća prepreka za ljude koji mrze sebe je da ne mogu vjerovati sebi – skloni su vjerovati i najmanjoj naznaci kritike i odbacivanja od drugih ljudi, jer to očekuju i vjeruju da zaslužuju. Često će bezazlena ponašanja ljudi oko sebe protumačiti kao usmjerena protiv sebe i na tome graditi svoj unutarnji dijalog. Tako će svaki unutarnji pomak biti oštro testiran i svakodnevno uzdrman.

Rachel Reiland govori o “osjećaju licemjerja jer imam toliko prijatelja koji se čine da me vole, dok ja jednostavno znam da, kad bi me uistinu poznavali, svi bi pobjegli brzinom munje“. Mrzite li sebe, ne možete suosjećati sa sobom, pa vam je nemoguće zamisliti da bi netko drugi mogao suosjećati i razumjeti, vidjeti dobru ljudsku osobu ispod burnih emocija i pogrešaka u ponašanju. Isto vam je tako nemoguće zamisliti da bi vas drugi ljudi mogli zaista voljeti – mislite da je to samo zato što dobro glumite. Očekivat ćete da će vas drugi prije ili kasnije napustiti i prezrijeti, te ćete se jednim dijelom čeličiti protiv toga, a drugim očajnički pokušavati “zavrijediti” ljubav.

Jednim dijelom želite da drugi ljudi poštuju vašu masku snage, a drugim dijelom da oni mogu vidjeti i osjetiti vaše stvarne osjećaje i razumjeti ih. No, ne vjerujete da ih je moguće razumjeti i prihvatiti – vjerujete da su vaši osjećaji pogrešni i loši. Tome su vas najvjerojatnije naučili dok ste bili dijete – ne nužno izravnim riječima, nego možda i neizravnim ponašanjem. Ne možete si oprostiti greške koje ste činili u prošlosti – one za vas nisu rezultat neiskustva i neznanja o tome kako se nositi s emocijama, nego samo još jedan dokaz da ste loša osoba.

Pomaknuta agresija

Vaš bijes izlazit će van prema osobama s kojima se osjećate najsigurnije – možda intimnim partnerom i djecom – jer bijes se ima potrebu probiti vani i izraziti, a s manje bliskim ljudima ne osjećate se dovoljno sigurno i ne možete predvidjeti njihove reakcije. Dok god se osjećate nesigurno, imat ćete potrebu štititi se svojim naučenim maskama, no čim se osjećate sigurno, nagomilane emocije potražit će put van. Što bolje poznajete svog partnera i što vam je lakše predvidjeti njegove reakcije, to ćete se osjećati sigurnije da pustite bijes van u trenucima kad pritisak osjećaja postane nepodnošljiv.

Možda ćete tada sasuti na svog partnera sve što ste htjeli izreći roditeljima ili drugim skrbnicima, ne birajući riječi i optužbe. Kasnije ćete se vratiti u realnost i shvatiti da ste pretjerali, te će se javiti stara krivnja i samokritika. Tako kroz godine stvarate sve više i više slojeva prezira i mržnje prema sebi.

bijes-podize-racionalnost-prilikom-odlucivanja-504x335-20070313-20101019003809-1235

Gotovo da nema osobe koja ne posjeduje ovaj obrazac u nekom obliku – međutim, intenzitet i posljedice tog obrasca mogu biti rijetke i blage ili burne i dramatične, ovisno o iskustvima koja je pohranio naš mozak. Što su neugodna iskustva ranija, to se više urezuju u naša instinktivna očekivanja i to ih je teže prepoznati kao nerealistične i nepotrebne.

Da biste riješili mržnju prema sebi, potrebno je s njom se suočiti, kao i s mnogim bolnim sjećanjima. Možda ste svoja bolna sjećanja potisnuli i čini vam se da je vaša obitelj bila “normalna” i da ste imali sretno djetinjstvo. No, potreba je djeteta da ono što doživljava od obitelji tumači kao ljubav, tako da ćete možda opravdavati nezdravo ponašanje roditelja ili jednostavno zaboraviti i blokirati bolna sjećanja. Imajte na umu da vaši osjećaji nisu nastali slučajno – negdje, nekad, morao je postojati uzrok.

Trebate naučiti voljeti sve dijelove sebe i prepoznavati što oni zaista žele. Mi vam možemo pomoći u tome, kako bi korak po korak naučili suosjećati sa sobom i povezati se sa svojim pravim identitetom.

Izvor: www.mentor-coach.eu

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